Paint the urinal yellow

November 21, 2007

Urinals are usually white. Pee is usually yellow. One of my favorite things to do is to spread my pee all over the inside of the urinal so that what was once white is now covered in a fading shade of yellow. It’s quite fulfilling, especially when my pee is really yellow, and especially when there’s a lot of it. Painting the urinal yellow is one of the many things that makes being a guy (and having a penis [and peeing while standing up]) fun.

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A little change

November 2, 2007

I got sick of all the racist stuff on my blog and all the racist and anti-racism comments people left. This blog is now 100% racist free. It’ll only be about poop and farts from now on. Enjoy.

Echo

June 21, 2007

I find it to be surprisingly fulfilling to fart so loud and powerfully that it echoes. What an accomplishment this is! It just happened yesterday. I was in the stairwell of a building whose residents use the elevator to get to different floors. The stairwell is mostly for emergencies, which means it’s made of cement and metal, perfect for echoing. I walked down the stairs and was about to exit when I felt a fart coming on. I held for a few seconds, then let it out with force. It echoed all the way up to the 4th floor and then came back down again! I tried to hold in my laughter as I walked out the door. I tried even harder as some guy watched me walk away. I wonder if he heard me? I hope not. But I also kinda hope so. I rule!

One time in high school, I was having some major problems with gas. I don’t usually fart in public, especially a place like a classroom. So my gas would haunt me all day. One day it was especially bad, and by the time the end of the day came around, I had to poop. I never ever pooped at school, so this was a major issue for me. After most of the people left, I went into a mostly unused bathroom and sat down to do my business. The fart that came out makes me laugh to this day. It was the loudest noise that ever came out of my body, and it was exponentially amplified by the metal doors of the stall and the cement walls of the bathroom. It almost hurt my ears. I was mortified for a second because I thought somebody might come in to check out what the noise was. But I just had to laugh at the situation because it was so awesome. It was one of the proudest moments of my life.

Toilet mirror

June 21, 2007

I’m truly baffled by the existence of the mirror behind/above some toilets. Bathrooms with this feature were obviously designed by women. Women sit on the toilet and can’t see what’s behind them. Men, on the other hand, usually stand up at the toilet. And the big problem with standing up at a toilet with a mirror behind it is that you get to stare at your penis the whole time. Men in general are pretty narcissistic; we like our bodies, especially our penises. But when we’re forced to stare at our un-erect penis performing its intended purpose at the toilet, it’s really unflattering and off-putting. I wouldn’t mind if the mirror was at face level like in some public restrooms. It’s not terrible to look at a mirror while you’re peeing. But it is terrible to look at a mirror while you’re peeing and see only your penis. I really can’t understand why some bathrooms have this.

Wipe the seat

May 29, 2007

I never used to wipe the seat before I sat on the toilet at work. I figured, “Eh, my butt’s pretty dirty to begin with. Nothing can really make it that much worse. Plus, the outside of my butt is the only thing that touches the seat. It’s not like my butt hole is resting on the seat, which also previously housed other people’s butt holes.” But somewhere in my recent past, I changed my mind: I wipe the seat before I sit down (only at work; at home it’s just me and my wife). I figure the toilets at work are pretty dirty because (a) many people use them and (b) people have bad aim. But also, I don’t think my butt is all that dirty. Sure, it stinks when I fart, but it’s essentially just as clean as any other part of my body. I wouldn’t touch the seat with my hand without first wiping it, so I won’t put my butt on it until I wipe it off.

How many wipes

April 12, 2007

My friend in high school had a 3-wipe-maximum rule: After pooping, he stopped wiping his butt after 3 wipes, even if his butt required more cleaning. He might’ve had some digestive problems, and his diet didn’t help matters, so his bathroom experiences weren’t too pleasant. And he just got fed up with wiping his butt so much. So he made the cutoff 3 wipes.

I can’t say I blame him. If you’ve ever had a bad poop day, you’d know that your anus just can’t take too much wiping. Despite the putrid environment down there, anal tissue is actually really sensitive. And no matter how soft your toilet paper is, continual wiping will eventually cause some discomfort.

My friend sacrificed his cleanliness for the sake of anal health. And I applaud him for that.

What’s your wipe maximum?

Longest fart

April 9, 2007

I wonder if there’s a world record for the longest fart? If there is, I might’ve come close to breaking it (pun) yesterday. Following a breakfast overly filled with fiber (I was visiting old people), I didn’t notice any adverse reactions. But then dinner came around, and I could feel my body inflating with gas pressure. After the meal, I snuck off to my room, closed the door behind me, and let out a nice solid fart that lasted for 3-5 seconds. That amount of time doesn’t sound too long when you say it, but when a fart lasts that long, it’s an event to be witnessed. Oh what a day of farting.