Digestive discernment

October 16, 2008

A few years ago when I was in college, I had a few digestive problems. It might’ve been lactose intolerance, or it might’ve just been that my digestive system was delicate as a result of crappy cafeteria food. Either way, many foods seemed to rip right through me without even a “hello”. I often wondered how my body got any type of nourishment from certain foods if I pooped them out (violently) seconds after eating them.

Now that I’m a grownup, I have a steady diet and don’t have any digestive issues. I drink milk freely and ingest other “borderline” foods (i.e. Mexican) with ease. However, certain foods (or foods from certain eateries) have a tendency to disagree with me. It’s easy to figure out what my body doesn’t like because it doesn’t disagree often. But today, I had a particularly violent poop as a result of eating at Panera. I’ve eaten there before, but it was a couple years ago. If my memory serves me correctly, I had a similar experience. So that settles it. No more Panera.

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Asian explosion

July 22, 2008

Not to be racist, but I’ve noticed a pattern when Asian people visit the bathroom: Explosive diarrhea. It seems to happen every time I see an Asian walk into a stall, but not so with non-Asians. I wonder if it has something to do with the food they eat. All that rice and teriyaki must cause some digestive problems. I know I personally always have poop problems after eating Chinese food, but I always thought real Chinese people didn’t eat Chinese food. They must eat something similar, with similar digestive results. Poor Asians.

Poop birth

December 27, 2007

Like pushing an orange through a straw, sometimes it’s hard to poop. It feels like you’re giving birth. Sometimes you might even make some struggling noises and do a little heavy breathing. That’s fine; we all do it.

HOWEVER, it’s not ok to make struggling noises in public bathrooms when other people are present. What are you, some kind of savage? I hate hearing people struggle to squeeze a poop out. It’s ridiculous. And most times, I highly doubt it’s even that much of a struggle. Maybe you had Chinese food for lunch. Ok, I’ll give you that, but only for like a day. If you’re breathing heavy in the bathroom every day, I have some advice for you: Suck it up. Take it like a man, ya pansy.

How many wipes

April 12, 2007

My friend in high school had a 3-wipe-maximum rule: After pooping, he stopped wiping his butt after 3 wipes, even if his butt required more cleaning. He might’ve had some digestive problems, and his diet didn’t help matters, so his bathroom experiences weren’t too pleasant. And he just got fed up with wiping his butt so much. So he made the cutoff 3 wipes.

I can’t say I blame him. If you’ve ever had a bad poop day, you’d know that your anus just can’t take too much wiping. Despite the putrid environment down there, anal tissue is actually really sensitive. And no matter how soft your toilet paper is, continual wiping will eventually cause some discomfort.

My friend sacrificed his cleanliness for the sake of anal health. And I applaud him for that.

What’s your wipe maximum?

Poop poke

April 9, 2007

Sometimes I have to poop so bad, I can feel it poking the front of my stomach. That’s when I know I need to run to the bathroom as soon as possible. I didn’t think the body’s excretory system was shaped that way, but I know what I feel. Based on my physical dimensions, it doesn’t mean the poop is all that long because I’m pretty skinny. But it tells me the poop is long and straight, and it’s ready to be propelled out of me with frightening force. Feeling a poop poke means it’s a good day.

Poop clothes

January 4, 2007

I had a revelation yesterday. It was amazing.

I’ve been noticing that I’m quite regular while at work. I poop at least once a day. But when I’m away from work for a few days, I hardly poop at all. Sometimes I go for 4-5 days without pooping. But then as soon as I get back to work, I run to the pooper and shoot one out.

At first, I thought it might have something to do with my chair at work. Maybe sitting in a chair in front of a computer aligns my bowels and just makes me want to poop. This makes sense since I don’t sit at a computer when I’m not at work.

But then yesterday it hit me: It’s my work clothes. And not just the clothes, but how they’re worn. I wear button-down shirts tucked into khakis with a belt. When the shirt is tucked in, the belt puts just enough pressure on my lower stomach to get me ready for a poop. It’s not that my pants are too tight; they fit perfectly. And this whole thing doesn’t happen when my shirt’s not tucked in. I wear the same belt all the time, so all my pants should be identically tight around the waist. It’s only when I have a shirt tucked into my pants that the belt presses on my bowels. Pressure on bowels induces pooping. Revelation!

Splashback

November 20, 2006

Quite often, I’ll be sitting on the toilet doing my business, and right after a log drops out of me, I’ll get an uncomfortably cold jet of water right in my anus. Splashback. It’s inevitable, but it doesn’t happen every time. The only thing I can think when it happens is, “Is this water that’s entering my body through my anus clean? Would I let it enter my mouth? Would I insert it into any other bodily orifice and let it co-mingle with my blood and other bodily fluids?” The answer, more often than not, is no. And that scares me. Toilet water isn’t evil by itself. It’s just like normal water. But it sits in a toilet, which usually hasn’t been cleaned for several days/weeks. And even if it has been cleaned, it’s still a toilet that regularly accepts urine and feces, as well as the occasional dead bug and feminine hygiene product. I sometimes find myself justify the cleanliness of the toilet water depending on where the toilet is located. A public bathroom like the one at work – 0 out of 10 stars because it’s a dirty, poop-filled toilet shared by multiple users. But my bathroom at home: 3/10 stars because it’s a relatively clean toilet that’s only shared by me and my wife. I don’t know why the scale even goes up to 10; it’s not like there’s a toilet that could ever possibly get a 10 out of 10, except maybe a brand new toilet that’s never been used. But even then, it’s a toilet, and toilets carry this karma that makes them unable to ever be completely sanitary, no matter how new or old they are.

So anyway, I get a little grossed out and concerned when I get splashback while pooping. But up to this point in my life, I haven’t developed any major sicknesses or diseases as a result of it (that I know of).