June 30, 2006
[Ok, so the vast majority of my posts are about farting. What’s the big deal? It’s a great topic and I have a lot to say about it.]
One of the most action-packed events in human history is the drive home after a date with a girl. After you’ve spent several hours eating, talking, watching movies, and doing other stupid cuddly date things, you drive home and have sweet dreams about your little love interest. But before you get in bed — in fact, as soon as you get in your car — you unleash the wrath that had been boiling up inside your bowels for the past eternity. You fart so loud, you wonder if pedestrians can hear it. You fart so hard, you wonder if you just blew out your O-ring. You fart so big, you wonder how such an enormous volume of gas could possibly fit in a single human being.
A while ago, I thought I was the only one who did this. In fact, I didn’t think much of it; it wasn’t a significant event in my life. But I’ve heard several other people tell their stories of post-date farting, and it brings joy to my heart. What a great thing farting is!
June 22, 2006
I was with a group of people last night, and one of the guys farted once when he laughed. Everybody heard it, but nobody said or did anything about it. I was mortified. I couldn’t look at him because I knew how he felt. It’s happened to me in the past: You fart accidentally in front of other people, usually during a lull in the conversation or when you try to switch positions. It’s the worst thing ever. If it’s around your friends, you can joke about it and have a good laugh. But if it’s around not-so-close friends, it’s completely different. He did what anyone would have done: He said, “Excuse me” and pretended like it was all part of the equation. The person who was talking kept talking, and we all continued to listen and laugh at what he said. It was excruciating.
But then there are those people who knowingly fart in public and treat it like it’s an acceptable thing to do. I hate those people. True, farting is natural and everyone does it. And I’ve heard that extensive “holding-it-in” can cause some permanent problems or something. But that doesn’t give anyone the right to fart whenever they please. Farting is disruptive, it’s a distraction, it stinks, and it’s usually funny. And it doesn’t make everything ok if you say, “excuse me” or “pardon me” after it. You can’t just go around doing that in public places because you don’t have the common decency to hold it in or walk out of the room and do it. And this is coming from me: The biggest proponent of farting on earth.
June 12, 2006
I hate yet love when I get a case of the burners. You know what I’m talking about: When your farts come out so fast and loud that they burn. It’s hilarious and entertaining, yet it’s oddly uncomfortable and painful. I just had one in the bathroom. It totally took me by surprise. I was just washing my hands, and then out came a booming fart that echoed around the room! It was awesome, but then I realized that I practically blew out my o-ring. It’s truly amazing how much gas can come out of such a small opening in such a short amount of time. I’m an engineer, so I know a little about pressure, flow, and velocity. The compression and subsequent acceleration of air through a turbine engine is what enables jets to fly faster than the speed of sound. If only we could harness the power of the anus. For now it’s just a force to be reckoned with; a restless evil, desiring to do harm and leave death and destruction wherever it goes. Cursed be the anus, that formidable yet funny orifice!
May 22, 2006
The Flat-D Chair Pad is a charcoal pad you put on your chair in order to absorb odors from farting. One of the comments on the website was great:
I simply love it. It makes me feel comfortable in the fact that I can make all the noise I want when no one else is in my office and have no fear that anyone walking in afterwards will confront any embarrassing, ill odors of any sort. And believe me … with all the medications I’m currently on and with all of the people who come in and out of my office, that is a great weight off of my shoulders.
April 26, 2006
The ability of the human anus to produce various sounds is remarkable. Some sounds are so loud, you wouldn’t believe they came out of such a small opening. Others are so melodic, they bring tears to the eye.
I was in the bathroom a little while ago, and I farted. But it wasn’t a normal fart. It was a multi-pitch fart. It started out low-pitch, then moved around and ended on a really high note. It was a squeaker. It brought such joy to my life that I’d like to tell the whole world about it.
April 17, 2006
I’m a big proponent of farting while walking. Sometimes I’ll leave my desk solely for the purpose of farting. It’s usually better than farting at my desk. The problem comes when someone appears out of nowhere and likely walks through the fart cloud I just produced. I feel bad for those people, but it’s not like I can do anything about it. It’s not like I can say, “Wait! Don’t walk through here. Something’s wrong here and you’re better off taking another route.” So I just pretend like it’s somebody else. I guess it works most of the time.
March 29, 2006
Sometimes (actually quite often), I fart at work. Sometimes I eat cheese with lunch. I’m lactose intolerant. Cheese for a lactose intolerant is like fuel for a fire. Instead of just farting, I fart foul, disgusting odors. If farts were visible and had a color, these would definitely be green. Sometimes I wonder if my coworkers notice. Do they sit at their desks and think, “Oh there it is again, that disgusting, vile odor. He thinks we don’t know who it is, but oh do we know.” I wonder if people walk by my office area and question where the smell is coming from. I hope they don’t find me. I hope they don’t learn about my dirty little secret.