Asian explosion

July 22, 2008

Not to be racist, but I’ve noticed a pattern when Asian people visit the bathroom: Explosive diarrhea. It seems to happen every time I see an Asian walk into a stall, but not so with non-Asians. I wonder if it has something to do with the food they eat. All that rice and teriyaki must cause some digestive problems. I know I personally always have poop problems after eating Chinese food, but I always thought real Chinese people didn’t eat Chinese food. They must eat something similar, with similar digestive results. Poor Asians.

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Poop birth

December 27, 2007

Like pushing an orange through a straw, sometimes it’s hard to poop. It feels like you’re giving birth. Sometimes you might even make some struggling noises and do a little heavy breathing. That’s fine; we all do it.

HOWEVER, it’s not ok to make struggling noises in public bathrooms when other people are present. What are you, some kind of savage? I hate hearing people struggle to squeeze a poop out. It’s ridiculous. And most times, I highly doubt it’s even that much of a struggle. Maybe you had Chinese food for lunch. Ok, I’ll give you that, but only for like a day. If you’re breathing heavy in the bathroom every day, I have some advice for you: Suck it up. Take it like a man, ya pansy.

Toilet mirror

June 21, 2007

I’m truly baffled by the existence of the mirror behind/above some toilets. Bathrooms with this feature were obviously designed by women. Women sit on the toilet and can’t see what’s behind them. Men, on the other hand, usually stand up at the toilet. And the big problem with standing up at a toilet with a mirror behind it is that you get to stare at your penis the whole time. Men in general are pretty narcissistic; we like our bodies, especially our penises. But when we’re forced to stare at our un-erect penis performing its intended purpose at the toilet, it’s really unflattering and off-putting. I wouldn’t mind if the mirror was at face level like in some public restrooms. It’s not terrible to look at a mirror while you’re peeing. But it is terrible to look at a mirror while you’re peeing and see only your penis. I really can’t understand why some bathrooms have this.

Wipe the seat

May 29, 2007

I never used to wipe the seat before I sat on the toilet at work. I figured, “Eh, my butt’s pretty dirty to begin with. Nothing can really make it that much worse. Plus, the outside of my butt is the only thing that touches the seat. It’s not like my butt hole is resting on the seat, which also previously housed other people’s butt holes.” But somewhere in my recent past, I changed my mind: I wipe the seat before I sit down (only at work; at home it’s just me and my wife). I figure the toilets at work are pretty dirty because (a) many people use them and (b) people have bad aim. But also, I don’t think my butt is all that dirty. Sure, it stinks when I fart, but it’s essentially just as clean as any other part of my body. I wouldn’t touch the seat with my hand without first wiping it, so I won’t put my butt on it until I wipe it off.

Spit through pee

March 15, 2007

As a male, I’ve been blessed with one of the best conceivable things on the face of the planet: The ability to pee standing up. Other males completely understand. Women don’t quite get what the big deal is.

Besides the whole the-world-is-my-toilet argument, here’s another reason why this is so great: I can spit directly through my pee stream. Written down, that doesn’t sound all that glamorous. But let me tell you, it’s awesome. And I have no idea why.

Literally every time I pee, I stand there with my head facing slightly down and let a wad of spit come dribbling out of my mouth so that it crosses right through my stream of flowing pee. Usually, spitting is reserved for special occasions, like when I hack up some phlegm or when I want to get that last bit of flat Coke out of the back of my throat. But for whatever reason, spitting while peeing feels as natural as breathing.

And I’m not alone. I always notice other people doing it. It’s not that I stand around in the bathroom and watch people pee. I use my peripheral vision, and I notice kids, teenagers, and grown men all doing it. It’s like some sort of hardwired response to a specific stimuli. It can’t be explained. It just must be done.

Wipe

December 14, 2006

I was listening to the radio the other day, and one of the guys was saying how much he believes in using baby wipes after he drops a deuce. His rationale was that we treat babies’ butts like they’re worth more than gold, but we’re often content with wiping our butts with stuff that resembles sandpaper. We shouldn’t treat ourselves so poorly. He was so convinced of the benefits of baby wipes that he’s basically become an adult baby wipe evangelist. Another guy on the radio show agreed. He said wiping can sometimes be like trying to get peanut butter out of shag carpet. He confessed that he was quoting someone else when he said this, but, ah, what a wonderful analogy.

Splashback

November 20, 2006

Quite often, I’ll be sitting on the toilet doing my business, and right after a log drops out of me, I’ll get an uncomfortably cold jet of water right in my anus. Splashback. It’s inevitable, but it doesn’t happen every time. The only thing I can think when it happens is, “Is this water that’s entering my body through my anus clean? Would I let it enter my mouth? Would I insert it into any other bodily orifice and let it co-mingle with my blood and other bodily fluids?” The answer, more often than not, is no. And that scares me. Toilet water isn’t evil by itself. It’s just like normal water. But it sits in a toilet, which usually hasn’t been cleaned for several days/weeks. And even if it has been cleaned, it’s still a toilet that regularly accepts urine and feces, as well as the occasional dead bug and feminine hygiene product. I sometimes find myself justify the cleanliness of the toilet water depending on where the toilet is located. A public bathroom like the one at work – 0 out of 10 stars because it’s a dirty, poop-filled toilet shared by multiple users. But my bathroom at home: 3/10 stars because it’s a relatively clean toilet that’s only shared by me and my wife. I don’t know why the scale even goes up to 10; it’s not like there’s a toilet that could ever possibly get a 10 out of 10, except maybe a brand new toilet that’s never been used. But even then, it’s a toilet, and toilets carry this karma that makes them unable to ever be completely sanitary, no matter how new or old they are.

So anyway, I get a little grossed out and concerned when I get splashback while pooping. But up to this point in my life, I haven’t developed any major sicknesses or diseases as a result of it (that I know of).