November 28, 2006
Quite possibly my biggest fear in life is accidental farting. I’m a champion of farting, but everything has its place. I fart at work and in other potentially embarrassing public places, but I usually make an effort to make it quiet or otherwise mask my involvement in the affair. But as I’m quietly squeezing out some hot air, I can’t help but think of the worst thing that could possibly happen: I accidentally push too hard or misjudge the size of the air pocket, thereby producing an audible blast of anal noise that can neither be ignored nor mistaken for anything other than a big old fart. I also get this fear when I do anything physical near other people. I go to a martial arts thing every Monday and Wednesday night, and I have to hold in my post-dinner farts. Other guys let them out silently, but the smell sure isn’t silent. And nobody owns up to it, so everybody is forced to choke on an anonymous fart as we all try to figure out who it could be. And as I exert force or use any energy, I have to always be conscious of what’s going on in my bowels. Is a fart trying to get out? How close is it to getting out? What do I need to do to make sure it stays in there? It’s a big issue for me.