Splashback

November 20, 2006

Quite often, I’ll be sitting on the toilet doing my business, and right after a log drops out of me, I’ll get an uncomfortably cold jet of water right in my anus. Splashback. It’s inevitable, but it doesn’t happen every time. The only thing I can think when it happens is, “Is this water that’s entering my body through my anus clean? Would I let it enter my mouth? Would I insert it into any other bodily orifice and let it co-mingle with my blood and other bodily fluids?” The answer, more often than not, is no. And that scares me. Toilet water isn’t evil by itself. It’s just like normal water. But it sits in a toilet, which usually hasn’t been cleaned for several days/weeks. And even if it has been cleaned, it’s still a toilet that regularly accepts urine and feces, as well as the occasional dead bug and feminine hygiene product. I sometimes find myself justify the cleanliness of the toilet water depending on where the toilet is located. A public bathroom like the one at work – 0 out of 10 stars because it’s a dirty, poop-filled toilet shared by multiple users. But my bathroom at home: 3/10 stars because it’s a relatively clean toilet that’s only shared by me and my wife. I don’t know why the scale even goes up to 10; it’s not like there’s a toilet that could ever possibly get a 10 out of 10, except maybe a brand new toilet that’s never been used. But even then, it’s a toilet, and toilets carry this karma that makes them unable to ever be completely sanitary, no matter how new or old they are.

So anyway, I get a little grossed out and concerned when I get splashback while pooping. But up to this point in my life, I haven’t developed any major sicknesses or diseases as a result of it (that I know of).

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6 Responses to “Splashback”

  1. happychick Says:

    That is just so gross. Really, it is. And that has never happened to me. Thankfully. But, in case you wanted to know- Ihad constipation this morning, so we can be gross together. šŸ™‚

  2. king pooper Says:

    Divide,
    You need to lay down some padding pre-poop. I always drop some TP in the bowl to cover up the water before I let loose.

  3. divide Says:

    That’s an incredibly great idea, king pooper. You must be some sort of super genius or something. I’ll try it the next time I poop.

  4. curlyq Says:

    I actually read somewhere that Oprah does that TP thing before she pees or anything, cause she feels weird that people would later tell a story about how they heard her pee…what great dinner party conversation that would make.
    “You guys will never guess who I heard pee today? OPRAH!! AND let me tell you she has a powerful stream, she must drink a lot of water!! I even timed her and she was letting it flow for a good min. I just knew you guys would want to know!”

  5. Jake Says:

    Bidet, anyone?

  6. Josh Says:

    You know, thats something that used to drive me crazy as well, but then I discovered that if you put some toilet paper in the water before beginning the evacuation of the bowels it prevents splashage by creating a less tensile water surface =)


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