June 22, 2006
I was with a group of people last night, and one of the guys farted once when he laughed. Everybody heard it, but nobody said or did anything about it. I was mortified. I couldn’t look at him because I knew how he felt. It’s happened to me in the past: You fart accidentally in front of other people, usually during a lull in the conversation or when you try to switch positions. It’s the worst thing ever. If it’s around your friends, you can joke about it and have a good laugh. But if it’s around not-so-close friends, it’s completely different. He did what anyone would have done: He said, “Excuse me” and pretended like it was all part of the equation. The person who was talking kept talking, and we all continued to listen and laugh at what he said. It was excruciating.
But then there are those people who knowingly fart in public and treat it like it’s an acceptable thing to do. I hate those people. True, farting is natural and everyone does it. And I’ve heard that extensive “holding-it-in” can cause some permanent problems or something. But that doesn’t give anyone the right to fart whenever they please. Farting is disruptive, it’s a distraction, it stinks, and it’s usually funny. And it doesn’t make everything ok if you say, “excuse me” or “pardon me” after it. You can’t just go around doing that in public places because you don’t have the common decency to hold it in or walk out of the room and do it. And this is coming from me: The biggest proponent of farting on earth.