Loudest fart

October 16, 2008

One time when I was a sophomore or junior in high school, I had a memorable farting experience. At that age, I had never pooped in school. Heck, I don’t think I had ever pooped away from home. I had a major fear of pooping in a non-home setting.

One day, I was having quite a problem with stomach pains. I was used to having gas and holding it in because I ate Raisin Bran for breakfast. But this intense pain in my gut was more than just gas. It was nearing the end of the day and I still had soccer practice to attend, so I realized I would need to poop at school to get rid of the problem.

But I couldn’t just go into the bathroom and poop. Someone would see me, hear me, and probably smell me. The perceived embarrassment would be mortifying. So I waited until the last class ended and waited some more until most of the people cleared out of the halls and got on their buses. I went to a bathroom that likely didn’t have many people around and went in to do my business.

What happened in that bathroom that day was unforgettable. I went into a stall, pulled down my pants, sat on the toilet, and prepared to let loose. The pain in my stomach was constant, so I was anxious to take a nice big fat dump. I started to push, but instead of having a solid log slide out of me and into the toilet, I produced the loudest sound that has ever come from a human body. This fart was loud. The concrete walls and metal stall doors only increased the volume. I laughed at myself, at my amazing ability, yet quietly wondered if anyone had heard me. No voices in the hall. Whew. It was just me, alone in a stall in a high school bathroom, laughing at the fart that just exploded out of my body with the force of a million jet engines and the volume to boot.

Digestive discernment

October 16, 2008

A few years ago when I was in college, I had a few digestive problems. It might’ve been lactose intolerance, or it might’ve just been that my digestive system was delicate as a result of crappy cafeteria food. Either way, many foods seemed to rip right through me without even a “hello”. I often wondered how my body got any type of nourishment from certain foods if I pooped them out (violently) seconds after eating them.

Now that I’m a grownup, I have a steady diet and don’t have any digestive issues. I drink milk freely and ingest other “borderline” foods (i.e. Mexican) with ease. However, certain foods (or foods from certain eateries) have a tendency to disagree with me. It’s easy to figure out what my body doesn’t like because it doesn’t disagree often. But today, I had a particularly violent poop as a result of eating at Panera. I’ve eaten there before, but it was a couple years ago. If my memory serves me correctly, I had a similar experience. So that settles it. No more Panera.

Prostate problems

July 22, 2008

I find it awkward yet amusing when men have pretty obvious prostate problems in the bathroom. I think a swollen prostate causes you to pee slower and longer, and then have several stops and starts at the end. It’s always so obvious when it’s happening because men with prostate problems are usually older, so they’re less observant, which means they grunt and sigh as they’re peeing, then they stop and start right into the liquid so it makes a lot of noise. Old people are weird.

Pee stinks

July 22, 2008

I hate using a urinal right after someone else. I can always smell their disgusting pee, and it makes me feel sick. Some people have some pretty potent pee, and I don’t think pee is generally regarded as a smelly thing. Sure, urine in general isn’t something you want to snuggle up next to, but people seem to forget that pee is pretty gross and it smells.

Asian explosion

July 22, 2008

Not to be racist, but I’ve noticed a pattern when Asian people visit the bathroom: Explosive diarrhea. It seems to happen every time I see an Asian walk into a stall, but not so with non-Asians. I wonder if it has something to do with the food they eat. All that rice and teriyaki must cause some digestive problems. I know I personally always have poop problems after eating Chinese food, but I always thought real Chinese people didn’t eat Chinese food. They must eat something similar, with similar digestive results. Poor Asians.

Sticky farts

December 27, 2007

I hate sticky farts. I usually get them after eating McDonald’s, greasy oily Italian food, or Chinese food. My friend calls them “greasers”. These farts seem to stick to your clothes like those flying goombas from Super Mario 3. Even if you walk around or wave your hands, it’s like they’re stuck on you until you jump several times to get them off. It’s worse in the winter when you have to wear a jacket. Sticky farts seem to go directly from your butt, up your jacket, and into your face. It’s like God’s punishment for having too much fun with farting.

Poop birth

December 27, 2007

Like pushing an orange through a straw, sometimes it’s hard to poop. It feels like you’re giving birth. Sometimes you might even make some struggling noises and do a little heavy breathing. That’s fine; we all do it.

HOWEVER, it’s not ok to make struggling noises in public bathrooms when other people are present. What are you, some kind of savage? I hate hearing people struggle to squeeze a poop out. It’s ridiculous. And most times, I highly doubt it’s even that much of a struggle. Maybe you had Chinese food for lunch. Ok, I’ll give you that, but only for like a day. If you’re breathing heavy in the bathroom every day, I have some advice for you: Suck it up. Take it like a man, ya pansy.

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